GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Still dying that you shit outside
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
