eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
