Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
