Your favorite bartender is back from prision
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
