positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
