evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
