You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize