Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
