I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
fuck your aforementioned shoe
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
