yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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