um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
