I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
