After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
