I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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