Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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