By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
