so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
