There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
