You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
