Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize