I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
