Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Do you have feelings for this penis?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
