My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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