I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
