I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
