I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
