Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
