You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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