the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Is Oprah even human
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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