FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
