You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
