the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
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