speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
