My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
