Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
pray to the hookup gods
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
