Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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