Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
false alarm. still invincible.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
