youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
