I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
