Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
