I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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