there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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