but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
