Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
