There is no way he is gay with that hair.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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