my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
