no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
