Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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