i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
bring money and cleavage
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
