i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Can you bring me the toilet please
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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