Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
