I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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