you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
