i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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