I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
