you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
