I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
